Moderator Or Abstainer
Which Are You?
Because it is said that you are one or the other. Me, I am a moderator, whereas my husband is an abstainer, and that in itself can make things a little tricky in our household. You may have noticed the same in yours, however may not have realised, up until now perhaps.
Habits
It’s not just a matter of a habit, although an habitual routine is very important when we look at how we want to change our lifestyle, and even then we haven’t formed a habit until we have repeated the sequence over a period of 90 days at least. Any new change becomes a habit when we have been doing it for at least 3 months, sometimes a habit won’t take hold until anywhere up to 8 months! However, abstaining and moderating, being one way or another is nothing to do with habit, and is not something we can learn to do or change.
What we need to do is adapt our lifestyle once we understand which we are and how we go about conforming to it. That’s where the habit starts, not the other way around.
Everything In Moderation
How many times have you heard that? For some it’s certainly true, but not for everyone, so that saying can not always be helpful and yet sometimes hurtful. ‘A little bit of what you like does you no harm’? Perhaps, yes, but only in a moderator is this absolutely fine.
A moderator is someone who can have a little bit of what they desire, because they know they can stop there. A moderator, for example, can keep that pack of biscuits in the house and eat one or two every now and again, or have one square of chocolate when they need a chocolate fix. They can have a glass of wine or two when they would like some without polishing off the whole bottle. The important point to remember here is that a moderator knows when and how to stop, without finding this difficult. They’ll know when they’ve had enough, or when they shouldn’t have any more even if they want to because they are trying to cut down, so it’s the right thing to do. There is this reasoning which tells them that it’s OK to want more, but not OK to have more, so it’s time to stop and they can always have it again another time. Conversely, they will get panicked by the thought of never being able to have something.
One key point to note with moderators, the reason they can have ‘everything in moderation’ is that these actions do not set them down a cravings path.
Moderation in all things, especially moderation - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Don’t Deprive Yourself
For an abstainer, that couldn’t be more wrong as that’s exactly what they should do. If we are talking food or drink for example, just a taste of something they shouldn’t have leads them into wanting the lot! An abstainer simply cannot have ‘just the one’! One glass of wine and they have to finish the bottle, one square of chocolate and they have to eat the whole bar. In fact, everything they have will be to excess - salt, pepper, chilli, alcohol, even their behaviours, they will enjoy to spend to excess too. For this group, to maintain a healthy lifestyle, if they want to cut down on something, they need to cut it out completely. It must be an all or nothing discipline, and because of that, they are not tempted by things that they have made the decision are off limits to them.
Someone who chooses to abstain because this is the path of least resistance for them, often find that it can be easier for them to succeed when going on strict regimes, like cutting out carbs, or the carnivore diet for example, anything where a particular food group has to be cut out completely will not only be easier for them to follow because they don’t have to be careful how much they are having, and be tempted, but also because they can relax knowing that they don’t need self control. An abstainer will always wrestle with themselves, but they never win, temptation must be avoided.
Abstaining is favourable both to the head and to the pocket - W.C. Fields
Where Does Harmony Sit?
So which one is preferable? Would you prefer to be one or the other if you could choose?
I’m not sure if two of the same type lived together if it would be better for the household, perhaps I could be enlightened on that point. My guess is that it would be easier for the relationship, and easier on the shopping. When you have opposing types, is where you might have conflict.
An abstainer who likes to drink for example, should not drink at all as they will always drink too much. However, if they live with someone who is a moderator it can be extremely difficult for them as that person can happily enjoy one or two glasses and stop there. The question in that household then is, should there be alcohol in the house or not? The same questions can be posed with chocolate, biscuits, so on and so forth. Is the answer to take the temptation out of the way, then one will suffer, is that fair, or is it about compromise? These are difficult questions, and perhaps why some partnerships ultimately don’t work, could that be possible? They say opposites attract, however, I am not so sure when it comes to living together in harmony.
The options are these: -
- the moderator must go without, so temptation is not there for the abstainer
- the abstainer must go without, regardless of what is going on around them
- they both decide to partake, which means the abstainer will inevitably overindulge
I am not sure any of these are feasible options which make for a truly contented environment, however this struggle goes on and on, around me, you, us, every day. After all, until we learn to understand and then accept how we behave and what motivates us, we will forever wrestle inwardly with those challenges.
